Are you awake?

There are certain mile stones in a person's life, that cause what I call, "The Awakening."  I have had several awakenings in my life, my father's murder on my birthday when I was a child, having cancer at the age of 23 and having my wife cheat on me and flee the state with our child.  Years later, taking care of my mom, who was slowly dieing of cancer and 9-11.  Some may think these incidents are just tragedy, heartache and loss, I say, these incidents forced me to question what my reality was and forced me to challenge and reevaluate what I thought, "Reality" truly was. 

The murder of my father on my ninth birthday, was quite possibly one of the best things that happened to me as a son.  Now, before you say I am some sort of a twisted and demented demon, let me enlighten you.  My father was a monster, I thought all fathers, pulled their wives around the house by their hair like a caveman, as the wife screams, "NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!"  I thought all fathers beat their kids when they tried to stop the torture and daily beatings of their mother.  Imagine the feeling of helplessness, as a nine year old child, tries to save his own mother and is knocked away and flung into a wall, like a small stuffed animal, only to get up and and to be swatted away like a fly, over and over again, until he is too weak to get up from the floor.

His death, allowed me to have the most caring, loving mother on the planet, raise a young boy and to have a mother, who taught him how to care, love and feel empathy toward the helpless.

When I was diagnosed with cancer and going through 12 months of chemotherapy, only to have my wife leave and take my son, that was another blessing and awakening in my life.  The heartache and loss, forced me to realize that I had the world in my palm and did not appreciate it.  I was young and strong, fit and healthy, I had a beautiful wife, a thriving career but as a person, I was conceited, arrogant and had no idea just how bad it could get.

Because of the cancer, the adulterous wife the heartache of not knowing were my infant son was, forced me to have a new appreciation for being alive and being the best father a man could be.

My mother's two year battle with liver cancer, I am thankful to have had this in my life.  Loss, loss can be sudden and it leaves a hole in your soul with the gnawing questions of, "What could I have done, I should have done more, why didnt I call?"  I should know, my brother died in a single car accident, two years before the death of my mother.  The death of my mother, allowed us to answer life long questions, it allowed us to know WHEN death would come and we were prepared.  The slow death of my mom, not only took my mother but it took my best friend and the wisest person I have ever met.  We knew death was coming like a far off train, we knew everyday was a gift to cherished.  Everyday, we knew the train was coming, so we LIVED like there was no tomorrow, like we all should.

9-11, what can I say, we all know how horrible that was and everything in our lives is STILL effected by it. 9-11 changed my life, not necessarily the actual incident but how the govt, reacted to it.  At the time of the incident, I was a broken man, too injured to work, no source of income but I picked up the phone, called the nearest recruiter and said, "I am honorably discharged, what can I do to help?"  I was a Rush Limbaugh listener and follower, a devote Republican and an honorably discharge vet who knew in his heart, that we were right and they were wrong and we would avenge the innocent.  I changed.  I woke up.  I began to see, hear and read about things that made me question my reality.

Questions began to override my reality, question like, "How did we sign the Patriot Act into legislation, a 1,200 page document when it was never read and supposedly written in 24 hours?"  How can we have "Free Speech Zones" when free speech, starts in my home and stops where our nation meets the sea and what does a FREE SPEECH ZONE, what does THAT have to do with terror?  How can we detain someone in federal custody for over 10 years, under mere suspicion with no trial, no judge and no jury?  HOW can we allow, the Constitution, to be shredded in the name of security?

I am reminded of two quotes from the movie, The Matrix that sum up my feelings:

Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.

Everyday, I work with people who are in the system but have no idea they are inside.  They talk of sports as if THEY are the team, as if THEY are the owners.  "WE KICKED ASS, WE WON, YOUR TEAM SUCKS!"  Yet they have no idea that as they speak, we are in several countries, in undeclared wars, killing thousands of people yet their only focus, is THEIR team, THEIR players and THEIR fantasy team.  Everyday, I work with people who have continued their lives consuming and being taught what their reality is by the various alphabet news outlets.  Everyday, I work with people, who take life for granted and who cant speak a sentence without using the words, "Me, I or Mine."

The losses in my life, I have turned into gains.  My life experiences, have changed my reality and who I am.  Chances and opportunities to have awakenings happen everyday,  you just need to be open enough to embrace it and learn from it.  Be a better man, always ask questions and never accept the party line as the truth.

So in closing, I ask, "Are you awake?"